When Love And Death Embrace

I seriously have had one of the most God damn awful summers this year. It started off actually going to college and doing my exams trying my best to get a good grade and then coming back home and being lazy. My step sister moved in with us in june or july and caused havok while here, pretending she wanted to start a new life when she was bring her past with her. I.e her boyfriend who are now engaged, well they were engaged before she moved here. But while she was here she told him that she didn't want that. Although she did. The silly cow!

She went on holiday and then came back and told us all she was moving back to southampton and she is getting married in 9 months time. So she left and we went out for a meal at the Greyhound in siddington, which wasn't a very nice meal and neither were the toilets. I had gone to the toilet before we left the pub as did my mum and i came out to find human poo on the bottom of my flip flop. I was almost sick at the sight of it.

Previous to all that, the guy i had met from swindon( justin) had been messing me about. Making me think he wanted a relationship with me and that we were going to take things slow. He was the instigartor in it all. He mentioned starting a relationship but then this girl, KIM! he had strong feelings for came back into his life and told him she had feelings. So it was bye bye Holly i don't want you now. Hello Kim my beloved kim! UGH!
He seems to have ignored me and stopped all comuunication, yet he wanted to remain friends. I do believe friends keep in contact with each other not ignore them because they have a new relationship!!

And to top it all off i recieved very bad As-level exam results which has made them decide that if i were to resit i cannot carry on with my second year ICT course. But Media studies is fine. So i have to go back on monday to discuss in depth with them about ways in which i can get round this.
IT ALL FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!

If all else fails, i will have to either try a different college or even go to a residential college like my mum went to which will take 9 months to get an access for uni but then i have to knuckle down and work hard to get the grades i want.

Anyhow enough of my rantings i need to go and take something for this headache i have.

ciao for now x

Current Mood: and determind
Current Music: Ozzy Osbourne - flying high again

We've only met up in person a few times and he txt me last night saying he thinks he is starting to fall for me and that he would like to start a relationship with me, to which i replied saying i think i am starting to fall for him which i am and that i would love to start a relationship with him but only take it slow.
He's a really cool guy, we have so much common and somethings we disagree on but thats good cause some sort of conflict or dislikes are what make people more interesting.
I feel like abit of a minger today as i have just been lazying around and slept most of the day, so i've not really done much which has been quite boring and i've had to find things to do other than sleep to entertain me. However i am actually tired now, i have no idea why but i have periods where i can be tired all the time and can't get enough of sleep even though i may have had 8 hours or more and then i get periods where i sleep and wake up early then stay awake till late and i feel fine. My body is bizarre!

My family related people are being quite annoying at the moment. I just want to get away from them and its proving to be difficult. What with me having to share my room with my step sister and there's quite alot of conflict between our personalities, likes and dislikes as we are both totally different characters and to be honest i find her annoying after a while.

Anyhow i shall update more about that when i know i don't have to be on guard of her walking into the room while i blaitently talk about her behind her back.

ciao for now x x

Current Mood: lazy
Current Music: Type O Negative - Thir13teen

I was a bag of nerves before meeting him but after we had met and started talking things seemed to be really cool. Yes it will be just friends at first but i do like him and he seems like a very genuine guy and good looking too. It was a nice day, we walked around cirencester for a little bit and then we got into his car listened to his IPOD radio and then went for a drive and ended up in swindon, walked for a while got back on the car and went to some random villiage pub outside Cirencester.

Well not much to say besides i had an wonderful day and he's asked to meet up again which will be cool.

ciao for now x x

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Metallica - Loverman

I don't think i have written in here for a while. Well not alot has happend besides my step sister moving in and almost handing in my resigantion for work etc but its all gravy. I'm meeting up with a guy from swindon on saturday who i had met off FaceParty which could be fun but i don't know i am quite nervous still. I have been contacting my nana via email as a way of her seeing things from my point of view and it is now the summer holidays for me wooohoo! which means more phone calls from work asking if i can work. * thumbs down* but i guess things are becoming somewhat better besides the step sister situation but i just ignore her as its teh best way really until she really gets under my skin and then i say my piece. Like the fact that she contradicted herself by saying she was thinking about going into full-time education but then said she doesn't want to go to college. And then making excuses up like she needs a job before she goes to do a Modern Apprenticeship. Grrrrr its begginng to annoy me.

But all is well and i am now bored so i am going to stop writing as too much thinking hurts my head. lol.

ok ciao for now x x

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Nothing

1. tell me something obvious about you.
2. tell me something about you that many don't know.
3. what is your biggest fear?
4. do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
5. name one thing you want that you can't buy with money.
6. what is your most treasured possession?
7. what is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often?
8. tell me something sexually about you that i don't know.
9. tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows.
10. what is your favorite lie to tell?
11. name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again.
12. are you the jealous type?
13. what is the one person, place, or thing you can't say no to?
14. what is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
15. if you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
16. when was the last time you cried?
17. when was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
18. do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
19. name something embarrassing you did while being drunk.
20. if you post this in your journal would you like me to answer it?

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: ozzy - crazy train

Sorry but i feel like SHIT!
I sware i need more of a social life and i'm not too sure what those poeple think about me. But atleast i'm making 'MORE NEW FRIENDS' and Donnie seems cool( aka giggles)even though he does take alot of drugs and seems to be fucked almost everyday. He has my Cruelty and The Beast album so i need that back soon.
I need a new diary...

Yesh anyhow..... one feels like SHIT

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Bleeding Through - Love Lost in a hail of gun fire

I just thought how awful it would be to lose a baby while its still inside your womb... its like your whole world would end. Anyhow

My mum found a lump in one of her breasts the other day, which scared me because i was hoping it wasn't a cancerous lump. That would have really made me feel like crap. Infact i cried yesterday because i can't bare to lose my mum. She may be annoying at times but she's my mum and i love her no matter what. Her Fybermyalger isn't getting any better either so i really do feel for her. Its hard trying to do things you were once be able to o without any struggle.

I finally get paid on friday so thats good cause i need the money for things such as clothes and i have to give my mum some money. I don;t have much to actually write about since my brain isn't functioning properlly right now because of the immense amount of thinking i'm doing and having to do alday almost.

Anyhow i guess this is good bye for now x x

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Nightwish - Angels Fall First

Diaryland has fucked up!

And i aint pleased. I am also rather pissed off and in a crappy mood again. I'm fucking tired and people winding me up isn't a good thing!
I still feel unworthy and like i do not belong.
The fact that i hardly have any friends in real life is bothering me alot since i just feel like no-one actually really likes me and when i talk i'm boring. I just can't win.... My mind starts wondering off and i start making asupmtions. Which is possibly why i haven't made many friends in college and why people don't talk to me.

Yeah ok i do keep myself to myself but its nice knowing that i have friends there to talk to, have a laugh and occasionally drink with. THIS LIFE SUCKS!!

Sometimes i wish i was still in Cumbria where i knew i had friends and could hang out with them every now and then. Now they're miles away from me and i dislike that. I miss them so so much. So much so that i want to go live back up North.

Now i have to pay out an obscene amount of money to even spend some time with them. Life is not fair!

Everything is not all rosies and pretty.
Yes ok i may have a job and doing well in college but thats because i want to be a success and not some slob in a dead end job.

I want to have a well paid career, a family of my own one day and not have to struggle.

And as for actually getting another guy to even want to be with me is a very slim chance. What sort of person wants to be with a girl whos dull, no fun and stays indoors all the time?

Plus he's gonna take one look at my scars and run a mile. No-one wants to be with a messed up girl who cuts herself(did). That was possibly one of my bad flaws.

[Tears Flow Blood streams, but all i hear is my own screams]

Oh hell i have college in 3 hours and my eyes probably look as red as anything because of the tears that keep rolling out of my eyes.

Maybe i should leave.

Ciao for now x x

Current Mood: Down
Current Music: Beginning of Stockholm syndrome ( repeated)

BAH HUMBUG!

Its almost christmas and i'm hating every day of this month.... infact i hate almost everyday of every month, Yes even my birthday.

Its all CRAP! everyday!

Gahhh the annoyance of people too.
This one guy in my media class is like a total geek!
His an inmmature, Over-the-top, annoying piece of shit!

Sorry to be so blunt but he really does annoy the fuck out of me... Not to mention that he doesn't smell too nice...
I mean WASH FOR FUCK SAKE!
Or Use some deodrant.

The smell is so bad that i ahve to hold my nose almost everytime i have to sit next to hime and he considers me as his friend?

No no no i'm sorry! No chance!

I hope he's not in my A2 media class next year because i will seriously have to tell him to use some deodrant.

Anyhow other than that things seem to be ok i guess..

Oh bedsides one girl in My ICT class, who is quite loud and Over-The-Top also but she means well. Atleast she washes!

Anyhow i think that is all for now..

ciao for now x x

Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: HIM - Gone with The Sin

I was walking home through the graveyard today( as you do) listening to the intro to Stockholm Syndrome. I quite like walking in there although it makes me think of death more when i'm feeling very very down like i am today.
I try to act all happy happy infront of people but inside i'm hurting immensely. I just want to cry at every given moment. I sometimes just want to curl up into a ball and never wake up again. I even feel like necking a whole load of tablets and ending it all. Not to mention take a razorblade to my wrists.

I'm sorry if i seem quite morbid and very attention seeking like tonight. But i have been suffering from depression for several years and never really done anything about it till this march when my mum made me go to the doctors and therefore i had to have Anti-depressants. Not only were they keeping me awake but they were making me have panic attacks.

Everytime i took them, it felt like my heart was about to burst out of my body and fall to the floor.

Ben being in his ex gf's house, being in Liverpool full stop is worrying me more than ever. I can't help but feel that he's gonna do something with her or has done and i wont know anything of it....
Everytime i think about it, i burst into tears and i'm trying to control myself cause i don't particularly want my parents to ask me questions least of all John, he doesn't know anything of what ben has done and it will give him more of an excuse to not like him.

I had to tell my mum tonight cause it just came out while she was upset about john saying to some woman that he wants to be her lover, the woman is in Africa ofcourse.

Anyhow i must control myself.... because its looking quite obvious something is wrong with me at the moment, what with me icsolating myself from the world slightly and always looking and sounding miserable.

So i guess this is goodbye for now.

Ciao x x

Current Mood: Upset, Confused etc
Current Music: Lost Prophets - Last train Home( mine and bens song)

I arrived home yesterday with a ranging migraine, took some asprin and went to sleep for a few hours.
I woke up with the migraine and feeling light headed. My mum had made me a bacon sald with fruit? anyhwo so i ate that slowly still feeling light headed afterwards.
I came onlien, to see who was on blah blah and then went to bed.
Benjamin rang me asking to ring me on the landline so i said yeah ok, so i was on there till 3:30am.... which pissed me off.
I woke up this morning feeling like shit and still had the mirgraine i had yesterday, so i rang into college and took the day off.
I still have a migraine which is bugging me, i may take the day off tommorrow aswell if i'm not well. Anyhow this is a boring entry and very very shite so

Good-Fucking-Bye!!

Ciao!

Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Nothing the sound of teh t.v in the background.

Life just couldn't get much better really.

Not only did he cheat on me with a 13 year old girl, i found some txt messages he sent to some girl( most probably while he has still been with me)saying some very graphic stuff( i shall not go into detail), i questioned him abotu it and he denied it but he knows fine well it was him because it has his name on the first message he sent to her.
He says it was a while ago but i don't know what to believe.

Anyhow he spoke to me last night because i told him that he has really hurt me and that i ended up doing something that he doesn't like me doing and i probably shouldn't have done anyway.
He said he is truelly sorry for hurting me and doing what he did and said that he is scared of getting close. But what i dont get is why now? why after 9 months of being together, i thought we were pretty close, i guess not.

But he does want to be with me, he says he loves me many many times and he even stil cried when i left him on monday. Any other person would have dumped him by now but this girl aint, i actually truelly care about him and love his alot. Thats why it hurts knowing what he did to me.

I know he doesn't deserve me and that i am a fool for even giving him another chance but you can't help who you fall in love with and you should always follow your heart not your head.

Anyhow i will make things work or try. I can only try.

Well i best be off as i should get on with this essay that should have been in this monday.

Ciao for now x x




Take care Earthlings

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: Ani DeFranco - As Is

I never got to see HIM at all thoughout the whole entire UK tour and that has pissed me off so much and to top it all off, me and ben argued quite alot over the last 6 days because he cheated on me with a 13 year old girl whome i have been told dresses very slapperish/slutty and i said that if he cares about me and this relationship and wants me as much as he says he does, he has to tell her that he doesn't want to be with her and i don't fucking care if it breaks her heart she shouldn't come onto my boyfriend and he shouldn't have let it go so far to the point where he agrees to go out with her through pitty when he was actually with me at the time.

I am angry at him but love him at the same time. I really want to work things out between me and him and not let any 13 year old whore get in the way. But he has to tell her she's dumped or else things between me and him will just end. His friends will sure tell me whats going on because i asked them to keep tabs on him.

I don't know if i can trust him right now as he tells me to shut up everytime i mention the girls name and take the piss out of him for being with a 13 year old in the first place.

It does make me wonder if he's been lying to me for the whole 9 months( almost 10) that we have been together. Its one of those things you don't like to doubt but you have to because you're mind kind of wonders abit and it scares the hell out of you.

I don't want to be hurt and it hurts knowing what he's done already and what he might do while i'm not there to keep an eye on him.

Anyhow he knows the consequences and i'd love to tie that girl to a chair and torture the hell out of her so that she would never go to bens house again let alone speak to him.

Mind you its his fault also for ASSUMING that me and him were just freinds when i didn't even mention anything about it and then he suddenly jumps into someone elses arms and kisses them. A 13 year old in this case!

I guess you could say i am confused and i hope he understands that we are together right now and that he HAS TO TELL THAT BITCH TO FUCK OFF OR ELSE ME AND HIM ARE OVER!

anyhow enough of my random, boring, useless, depressing tangent!

Ciao for now x x

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: None - the sound of my computer and fridge.

It finally all got sorted out after they both came back from whereever it was they went. I still think he's the biggest tosser on earth though. He's sucking up to me and lucy now.
There was a huge argument today about almost everything and he was intimidating lucy and made her very upset. She's scared of his temper. She's older than me but she has learning difficulties due to her epilepsy, which she's lived with for 23 years. So she feels quite resentful of the fact that i am able to go out and do things on my own and she can't really. Although in theory she can.

This music is rather loud but thats goood.

HIM gig in five days, i so can't bloody wait! Ville Valo Rules, HE IS A GOLDEN GOD!

Haha!






Two words.

Mc
and
Fly

* rolls on the floor laughing*

Is it just me that thinks GROUPS like them are a waste of space?

Why on earth do they bring these silly groups into the world and why do they even make them in the first place?

That i guess is something that will never be answered. But seriously can anyone truelly listen to them and say Yep they're absolutly fantastic? Besides all those stupid prep/townie/scally kids that seem to think that they are the one and only best groups( bands in thier case, but we all know different) in the world.

I regret to inform those people that they're so fucking FAKE!
Do you honestly think that they're playing those instruments?

They're not i can assure you, its a backing track like every other pop song that has been relased, GOD HELP US!

I think this is my cue to leave and stop this random tangent.

ciao for now x x

Current Mood: Hehehehehehehehhe
Current Music: Listening to: Brides Of Destruction - Life

He's up shit street now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
And its all because of my little doing. I told her that he was sat down here early in the morning with no shirt on, i thought nothing of it at first but when he went to bed at 3:15am i then began to suss him out.
So tonight she went on his message archive on yahoo and found a recent conversation with this woman he supposedky had some kind of relationship with and said how he wanted to fuck her etc. As my mother always said, Beware, your sins will soon find you out.
She's ran off down the road and he gone after her, i sware to God if he hurts her anymore i will kill him. Fucking TOSSER!
Anyhow i have my own relatioshit probelems and i'm hoping to work on that when i see him next week. *fingers crossed* he is willing to talk about it in person. Its always the males!
I guess you could say he doesn't really deserve me but there's a part of me that makes me want to stay with him.
He's recently become so possessive, obsessed and controlling. Its like i have no choice in the matter. I am going to put my foot down! He is not going to get away with this!
Who knows he could be cheating on me. I wouldn't know, he lives two hours away from me and he's forever trying to give me bullshit excuses for things.

That is all for nwo of my random tangent... ciao for now x x x

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: Within Temptation - Ice Queen